• Ylwa Bergman

What is kink? Musings of a kinky escort

“Kink is an intimate experience, an exchange of power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or, most often, some combination. I use the word kink as an all-encompassing term to describe the people, practices, and communities that move beyond traditional ideas about sex to explore the edges of eroticism.”


This is how one of my favourite kink and sex educators, Tristan Taormino, defines kink in her anthology The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Roleplay and the Erotic Edge. For those of you who know me, you know that apart from kink and erotic play I get a lot of pleasure from the imaginary space the reading creates, so Taromino’s book is pretty perfect. It’s also an excellent choice for learning more about kink- in fact, I couldn’t recommend it more.


Kink has become a lot more popular in the past couple of decades, both in mainstream culture and outside of it. Especially after Fifty Shades of Grey, it seems like everyone wants to have a bit of kinky sex. As you might know though, a lot of kinksters- including me- have protested the representation of kink on Fifty Shades of Grey. So this begs the question, what actually is kink? Since I’m not only a kinky escort and mistress (and a proud member of Kinky London Escorts), but also passionate about kink in my private life, I wanted to write a little more about it for future lovers who are curious to learn more and who are perhaps yet to sit down and read a book about it.



Taormino continues with her definition of kink: “Kink is meant to include BDSM, sadomasochism, kinky sex, dominance and submission, role play, sex games, fantasy, fetish, and other alternative erotic expressions”. As you can see from this, the definition of kink is pretty wide. And what is important is that its heavily reliant on what we consider vanilla sex. Without a strict idea of what is vanilla, or indeed normal, sex, there wouldn’t really be a need talk about kinky sex. In fact, it might be a good idea to just start from what we consider vanilla sex (or “normal” sex) to be, and then go from there- kink is basically anyhing sexual outside of it.


Most of us know automatically what we mean when we say “normal sex”. We mean missionary position and maybe some doggy (and different variations of these two), oral sex on both, fingering, hand jobs, kissing and caressing each other’s bodies and saying loving words to each other. Of course, what I didn’t mention but is assumed here, is that “normal/vanilla sex” traditionally also means straight monogamous sex within marriage. Men and women having penetrative-based sex where the man takes the lead, is on top etc. If we follow this assumption, we can also see that its based on the idea that women are naturally submissive and less sexual, and that men are naturally more dominant and horny.


Now, if you have met me, you know that this is definitely not a description that is accurate for me. In bed, I am more of a kinky GFE, sometimes with a dominant GFE twist. I love sex, I am often horny, and I really enjoy being on top. I am a bisexual escort though, so maybe I don’t represent the norm so much. And its important to remember that kink practices and culture originated in the "deviant" world- among gays and perverts. According to the definition of vanilla sex, most gay sex is intrinsically kinky. But I do firmly believe that many more would venture outside of “normal”/”vanilla sex” if they felt safe enough and felt like they had permission. Because the problem with vanilla sex isn’t really the acts in themselves- I love most aspects of vanilla sex!- it's the fact that it is all based on assumptions and strict ideas of how you should behave and what you should like. We all know I don’t subscribe to many shoulds...



Kink for me has meant an ability to let go, explore, play, be creative in sex and erotic play. To delve deep into my subconscious, to question assumptions of what I ought to like, to give myself permission to desire fully. When I had kinky sex for the first time I had told my lover I wasn’t really into it. In my mind, kink was just being spanked and wearing latex. But my lover made me feel like there was space to explore, and he just gently tried a few things- spit in my mouth, pushing fingers down my throat, rimming. And I found myself incredibly into it. It was like something unlocked inside me and I started getting more curious about what else I might be into that I hadn’t felt able to try before.


So if kink can be almost anything outside of vanilla sex, what is there to be annoyed about in mainstream representations of it? And does it really mean anything outside of vanilla sex? I love that the definition of kink is so wide- that basically anything can be sexualised and sexy. And I love that I keep learning about new kinks. Learning and self-improvement is actually one of the most important reasons why I am a kinky escort. To be good at it requires not just an ability and desire to connect with people but also an inquiring mind. I am intrigued by the human mind, psychology and how our experiences shape what we want. For each kink, there are a million different ways to do it- as varied as humans are and it's exciting to figure out exactly what makes someone tick and why. The more I learn, the more I am able to put a language to things I like and don’t like, and this language keeps getting more intricate the further I go on my kink journey. This is essential to what kink is about for me, and something that we don’t see so much of in the mainstreaming of it. Instead, I have seen new standards developing, where a few kinky elements (maybe a bit of spanking and some handcuffs) become a new norm rather than the start of a journey.


Another important thing kink has meant for me is communication and consent. Suddenly, sex is not obvious anymore- it can mean anything- so communication is required. And with communication comes consent. If you have actually spelt out your desires, and if you have felt like you can talk about sex and desire, then you are more able to say yes, no or maybe to something. Even talking about the way we communicate is a big part of kink practices- do you find it easy to verbally communicate what you want during a sex/kink session or do you need to give non-verbal body language cues?


So, to circle back to my question “what is kink”, and what’s missing from some mainstream uses of it? To me, kink is about questioning the normal, learning about yourself, and fostering consent. It is about pushing boundaries- both society’s and your own. It is about discovering new erotic frontiers through play and creativty. It is an ever changing force, just like life itself.